I need Board therapy

[waterfield]

Not sure how many, if any, are losing friends over COVID and related politics. I am. While I have a couple of friends who are on my-and my wife-same wave length when it comes to politics most of my other friends are conservative. We don’t discuss politics when we have-or used to have-“gatherings”. They, IMO, are just uninformed guys and their wives who watch Fox. They don’t really care much about what’s not in front of their eyes. They are mostly concerned about how big the waves are and who has speared the biggest fish. While certainly shallow in one respect they also are there for you in tough times and always willing to help.

So here is what’s occurred: My oldest friend and someone I’ve known since the 3rd grade recently died of congestive heart failure. He is very well known in the diving community and his death even made the N.Y. Times with a quote from me. He saved my life in the ocean on two occasions. I can’t say he and I were “close” in the sense we shared values but knowing someone so long and having grown up with that person does bring a certain closeness. Can’t say its love but there is something that causes me to feel an honest loss. He didn’t have a father and mine was lost in WW 2.

Anyway, here’s what’s happening. Barb and I are really practicing all the COVID guidelines. Maybe going a little overboard. But his family and another family have decided to hold a memorial at a super house on the beach in Santa Barbara and want me to do an eulogy. This particular house is small but really perfect with a deck above the beach. It can only hold a few people and they have invited many more. There is no way this can go off in a safe manner. And they are committed -personally I think because they don’t take COVID seriously and simply want to party. We’ve said we can’t be there and why. That has caused a lot of nasty emails and face book posting about how we don’t care about my friend’s wife who simply wants “closure”. This isn’t nice on my part but I think its more that his wife wants to keep up with her deceases husband’s “popularity” among all his friends. And she won’t budge as far as putting it off.

Is there a Dear Abby in the house ?

[zn]

waterfield wrote:

And they are committed -personally I think because they don’t take COVID seriously and simply want to party. We’ve said we can’t be there and why. That has caused a lot of nasty emails and face book posting about how we don’t care about my friend’s wife who simply wants “closure”. This isn’t nice on my part but I think its more that his wife wants to keep up with her deceases husband’s “popularity” among all his friends. And she won’t budge as far as putting it off.

Is there a Dear Abby in the house ?

That’s a clear and moving description of your quandry. In terms of your choice–I would probably do the same thing you’re doing. It’s possible the others will never understand, and that’s a heavy price, but if you feel there’s a risk, what else can you do? In fact think of it this way. If there’s a risk (and obviously there is) it’s not just that the 2 of you could get sick, what if only 1 of you does? Then the other risks living alone over something that could have been done differently without the same risk (they don’t need to do it as a small crowded gathering). I don’t know what others here will say and that’s about all I have, though, in terms of advice–which ain’t much I know. C’est le virus. People shouldn’t be pressuring you. It can’t be comfortable to go through that but IMO there’s nothing wrong with your decision.

And you have my sympathies for your loss.

…

[waterfield]

Thx Zack. I understand that but it does hurt. (hate to admit that) My “excuse” was that due to my son’s compromised immunity due to two years of battling cancer with radiation and immunotherapy should we become infected, even asymptomatic, and somehow he got it from us it could be fatal. The response we got was “come on she really needs you to be there”-totally discounting my concerns re my son. Barb is pissed I am pissed. I think the bottom line is this entire group of people who I have shared good times just don’t believe this is anything serious and I’m over reacting.

Oh well-thx for “listening”.

[wv]

Yeah, it sucks. Its like you know there is a minefield there, and they cant see it. But they want you to walk through it. Cause they dont have the knowledge.

Knowledge-differences, often lead to this kind of situation.

Ah well.

w
v
=============

Six people in South Carolina have died from coronavirus after attending the same funeral.

The funeral was held in Columbia in the first week of March and many who attended are now in quarantine, The State reported.

“They attended that same funeral and unfortunately passed away from Covid,” Sumpter County coroner Robbie Baker said.

“They came back to Sumter, got sick, and I was notified they had passed. Unfortunately, a large amount of people congregated at that funeral, somebody there was infected with it, spread it, and just didn’t know it.”

A husband and wife who died days apart are among those who were infected while attending the funeral. The couple had been married for 50 years….
link:https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/coronavirus-south-carolina-deaths-cases-funeral-a9471541.html

[waterfield]

wv wrote:

Yeah, it sucks. Its like you know there is a minefield there, and they cant see it. But they want you to walk through it. Cause they dont have the knowledge.

Knowledge-differences, often lead to this kind of situation.

Ah well.

w
v
=============

Six people in South Carolina have died from coronavirus after attending the same funeral.

The funeral was held in Columbia in the first week of March and many who attended are now in quarantine, The State reported.

“They attended that same funeral and unfortunately passed away from Covid,” Sumpter County coroner Robbie Baker said.

“They came back to Sumter, got sick, and I was notified they had passed. Unfortunately, a large amount of people congregated at that funeral, somebody there was infected with it, spread it, and just didn’t know it.”

A husband and wife who died days apart are among those who were infected while attending the funeral. The couple had been married for 50 years….
link:https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/coronavirus-south-carolina-deaths-cases-funeral-a9471541.html

Yeah-we’ve decided not to go unless circumstances drastically change which I don’t think they will. I wanted to send the party’s host the article you cited but Barb said “don’t do it. You won’t change anything and will make her feel bad and that will cause them to be more upset with you”

[Zooey]

My sympathies, Waterfield. I think that’s the worst personal Covid story I’ve heard. FWIW, I wouldn’t go, either. I would probably write a heartfelt letter, though, that focuses on your friend (and not the issue of Covid). You shouldn’t miss out on the “closure,” either.

[snowman]

Waterfield, I’m very sorry about the death of your friend. My mother in law passed away in March and we could not have a proper funeral for her. We had a family-only graveside burial service, nine of us plus the priest and the funeral home guy.

When Bobbi (my wife) told the extended family of nieces and cousins that we would not hold a funeral and not to come to the burial service, they were OK with it. They understood. Kind of surprised me since most of them are in northern Minnesota.

Anyway, I would do the same thing if I were you. We skipped our neighbors grad party and did not have one for my son because we didn’t think it was safe. A funeral service with a big crowd poses the same risk as going to a crowded bar or restaurant. And, my two cents, the purpose of funerals are not to honor the dead, they are to show support and love for the family. If you can, I suggest contacting your friends widow and if you are comfortable reading your eulogy directly to her, do that. It’s just for her comfort and peace of mind, not to entertain the rest of the group who comes to talk about old times and eat and drink. Your friends should have no problem with you if you express your condolences to the family. If they do, fuck ‘em because they don’t seem to respect you.

Take care.
Kevin

[waterfield]

snowman wrote:

Waterfield, I’m very sorry about the death of your friend. My mother in law passed away in March and we could not have a proper funeral for her. We had a family-only graveside burial service, nine of us plus the priest and the funeral home guy.

When Bobbi (my wife) told the extended family of nieces and cousins that we would not hold a funeral and not to come to the burial service, they were OK with it. They understood. Kind of surprised me since most of them are in northern Minnesota.

Anyway, I would do the same thing if I were you. We skipped our neighbors grad party and did not have one for my son because we didn’t think it was safe. A funeral service with a big crowd poses the same risk as going to a crowded bar or restaurant. And, my two cents, the purpose of funerals are not to honor the dead, they are to show support and love for the family. If you can, I suggest contacting your friends widow and if you are comfortable reading your eulogy directly to her, do that. It’s just for her comfort and peace of mind, not to entertain the rest of the group who comes to talk about old times and eat and drink. Your friends should have no problem with you if you express your condolences to the family. If they do, fuck ‘em because they don’t seem to respect you.

Take care.
Kevin

Thx-your idea of a letter to the widow is a good one.

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