Hearts of Stone?

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  • March 29, 2020 at 1:36 pm #113166
    Avatar photoBilly_T
    Participant

    Okay, so, I mentioned a coupla times that I’ve had major surgery recently on both eyes. From mid-January thru this past Friday, I’ve had cataract surgery on both eyes, followed by the discovery of a new retinal tear in one, followed by a discovery of two more retinal tears in the other, followed by surgeries to fix those three tears, followed by the discovery of two more retinal tears in both eyes, followed by surgeries for those this past Wednesday and Friday.

    And, well, crickets.

    So, if you guys ignored all of that cuz you either thought it was an unseemly sort of fishing for sympathy, especially in a time of worldwide pandemic, or that everyone has their own crosses to bear, I get that. I really do. But it would have been nice to at least have the above acknowledged with a basic “Hope you are okay.” At least.

    One would think that’s not asking too much, especially on a leftist board.

    This isn’t the time, of course, to think only about oneself. Obviously. But having these personal travails during a much larger context of worldwide suffering doesn’t mean they don’t exist. And I’m discovering that larger context actually imperils medical treatments in the present, and puts me at far greater risk of catching Covid-19 every time I go to eye doctors and oncologists — and their risk goes up as well.

    Anyway . . . this (and a host of other things) has me rethinking posting here. This and the much larger context has me rethinking all kinds of my on and offline relationships in general.

    Regardless, I wish everyone here good health, safety and longevity. Take care.

    March 29, 2020 at 2:41 pm #113167
    Avatar photozn
    Moderator

    You’re right, it was wrong to overlook that.

    Belatedly, let me say, hope you’re doing better.

    And don’t go away–it’s your community and you’re needed. Where else can a leftist discuss the Rams and everything else–among friends at that–at the same time!

    March 29, 2020 at 3:01 pm #113168
    Avatar photoInvaderRam
    Moderator

    i’m sorry to hear that billy. i really do hope you get better.

    and your suffering is still relevant despite whatever else is going on in the world.

    i haven’t been on the board much lately and you probably didn’t even have me in mind when you posted this, but i get the feeling that you’re a very valued member of this community and i find your posts very insightful as well as compassionate.

    take care.

    March 29, 2020 at 4:23 pm #113169
    Avatar photowv
    Participant

    I totally get where yer comin from Comrad. I just mainly nod my head in silence when friends post about their life. I ‘feel’ it, BT. But i just think/feel it all silently. I dont why I’m that way.

    Anyway, of course we care.

    w
    v

    March 29, 2020 at 6:06 pm #113170
    Avatar photoZooey
    Moderator

    Billy, I noticed your comments. And my thought was, “My fuck, what the hell else does this guy have to go through?”

    It never occurred to me that the answer to that was “The apparent indifference of his friends.”

    From time-to-time, my wife chastises me for not responding to comments that are in the same vein as yours. And she’s right. I don’t say it.

    I think that – speaking for myself – I feel that, as a Leftist, my whole life is one big, open commiseration with the suffering of other people. I mean…that’s a huge percentage of what I talk about when I’m not talking on the job. So I guess I kind of feel like it’s “understood.”

    It’s not, though. Sympathy with kids in cages doesn’t mean I see my friend’s suffering. I mean…my political rants are intellectual, not personal. So I know it’s NOT understood.

    It’s a little bit in my genes, too. My family heritage is Cool Danish. We’re aloof. When my sisters-in-law get together with my wife, they all complain about me and my idiot brothers in respect to this.

    So…your comment strikes me to the quick. I have heard repeatedly that I don’t signal empathy, and I can only say, “Yeah…I suck at that. I surely do.” But I feel it, Billy. I know that it would be a hell of a lot better for the people in my life if I SAID it. I don’t know why I don’t. I actually carry your eye situation with me when I’m not on the board. I have thought of you several times during my days. So…I am surely with you, man, and I WANT to hear what is going on with you in this respect, as well as the cancer and chemo. I can’t think of you WITHOUT thinking of those burdens you carry. You have suffered a lot in your life, and I am sorry that our apparent indifference adds to that burden. We’re a group of shell-shocked Leftists who are all just trying to deal with all the pointless suffering around us, and doing it to the best of our own imperfect abilities.

    And I’m sorry you had to say this to all of us. That couldn’t have been an easy post to write.

    Forgive us for this, Billy. You are completely in the right, and maybe we can all learn to do better. But I think I can safely say that every single one of us cares, and every single one of us wishes you the best. I’m sure you’re scared. Feel free to share that with us, too. We are here, Billy. For better or worse, we are here.

    March 29, 2020 at 8:27 pm #113174
    Avatar photoBilly_T
    Participant

    Thanks, everyone.

    Your responses are a much-needed lift for my spirits.

    I know we’re not supposed to admit stuff like this, but, yeah, I’m kinda skeered. And John Wayne is dead, so to hell with the stiff upper lip.

    The retina doc said my eyes are susceptible to new tears and worse: detached retinas. And that if those tears aren’t quickly addressed, it can lead to blindness. If I remember correctly, same goes with the detached retina. That’s why he’s (twice now) done surgery the day of his discoveries, while scheduling the other eye soon after.

    But I’m beginning to wonder if the surgery itself isn’t causing new tears. He’s used laser and freezing techniques on both, alternating them each round. I’ve forgotten the rationale for that.

    The doc insists that’s not the case, though. But I wonder. And, again, I don’t know how long they’re even going to stay open for these surgeries, given lock downs and so forth. The techs, nurses and doctors are wearing masks and trying to be careful about cleaning surfaces, etc. I’ve worn a mask and disposable gloves each time too.

    Anyway . . . there’s never a good time for any of us to have serious medical issues. But I picked a really bad time for this one.

    ;>)

    Thanks again, all.

    Stay safe, be careful, wash your hands!!

    March 29, 2020 at 9:05 pm #113175
    Avatar photozn
    Moderator

    BT, that’s awful. Hang in there…I hope you get better news on this and sooner not later.

    March 29, 2020 at 9:24 pm #113176
    TSRF
    Participant

    Sorry to hear all that, Billy.

    You have always been one of my favorite poster, here and other places.

    Hope this cheers you up:

    March 30, 2020 at 1:22 am #113178
    Avatar photoInvaderRam
    Moderator

    hang in there, billy.

    it took a lot of courage to put yourself out there like that.

    and i’m sure everyone here is behind you.

    March 30, 2020 at 1:31 am #113179
    Avatar photoInvaderRam
    Moderator

    i will also say my father has had multiple surgeries on his eyes for glaucoma. each time his eyesight does not seem to get better. and he fears that he will go blind soon. i see the frustration in his face. i hope that you and my dad can find some relief soon.

    March 30, 2020 at 6:59 am #113180
    Avatar photonittany ram
    Moderator

    I’m sorry that you have to deal with all this, BillyT. 2020 has been a steaming pile of shit so far.

    I also apologize if I seemed unsympathetic before. My wife complains about my “reservedness” all the time. She comes from a big Peruvian family that is very visibly caring and supportive. I come from a small family that is also very supportive and caring, but we just don’t show it so much. But that doesn’t mean I don’t care. You are one of my favorite people on the internet and I seriously hope you come through this ok. You are in my thoughts.

    March 30, 2020 at 1:40 pm #113188
    Mackeyser
    Moderator

    Mellow Greatings and Salutations, Billy. I may be the worst of the bunch insofar as I disappear for months or even years at a time, sadly. I’m very much an “in the moment, what’s in front of me” type which can lead to unfortunate lack of connections with family and friends.

    It shouldn’t be unsaid that we and by extension I wish you well. (I turned the phrase around on purpose) We do.

    Very sorry you’re going through all of this.

    Lastly, there’s absolutely NOTHING wrong and everything right for seeking connection as a human being. We are herd animals and all puns aside, we want to know that we’re still in the herd. Rest assured, you are.

    Be well, BillyT, and have a Joy Joy day! (Sorry, on another Demolition Man kick…)

    Sports is the crucible of human virtue. The distillate remains are human vice.

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