Feel the Bernie… Stories You Won’t See On HBO’s “Hard Knocks” With the LA Rams

Bernie talking some late hits on the RAMS, Kronke, regarding HBO Hard Knocks……

Stories You Won’t See On HBO’s “Hard Knocks” With the LA Rams

Exciting news!

The Los Angeles Rams will be the featured attraction on HBO’s annual summer series, “Hard Knocks.” This of course is the Emmy-winning reality show that imbeds camera crews in an NFL training camp every year to capture those unique behind-the-scenes moments that no one could see without HBO’s remarkable all-access presence.
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(Well, not really. The players and coaches know they’re being filmed, so they’re either very careful about what they say or ham it up and try to be “edgy” or controversial in an obvious play-acting job to provide entertainment. The dialogue featured in commissioner Roger Goodell’s Kabuki theater is about as “real” as one of those “Housewives of Boise” shows.)

In a statement HBO Sports executive VP Peter Nelson said: “It’s exciting to chronicle a franchise with so many compelling storylines, highlighted by the team’s return to the Los Angeles market and the enormously warm reception the Rams are experiencing.”

“The series has become a summertime destination for TV viewers, and we can’t wait for the premiere on Aug. 9.”

We agree, Peter!

Can’t wait!

(Actually, it’ll be baseball season here, so … )

The storylines will be compelling and captivating.

But in HBO’s defense, the cable network won’t be able to cover every angle.

Other proposed segments will be killed during the editing process by menacing representatives of the NFL cartel.

I have it on good authority that here’s a list of ideas that already have been rejected by the Rams, the NFL and HBO. It was leaked to me by the guy who dutifully cleans Stan Kroenke’s bathroom on a daily basis … and no, I’m not talking about Kevin Demoff. Don’t be silly.

Of course I am referring to NFL executive VP Eric Grubman.

Anyway, here are some of the stories you WON’T see on Hard Knocks:

1. What the Hell is That Hideous Thing On Stan Kroenke’s Head?

Is it a deceased muskrat? Is it an ancient bird’s nest? Is it an accumulation of old, gnarly strands of unwanted hair donated personally by Les Snead? Or is it just the worst toupee in the history of mankind? HBO and the famous LA-based forensic scientist Henry Lee search for answers.

2. The Most Enduring Mystery in Professional Sports

HBO conducts a serious examination of Jeff Fisher’s head-coaching record in an attempt to understand why he’s still employed. Fisher has been an NFL head coach for 20 seasons and his teams have made the playoffs six times. He’s had six winning records, but none since 2008. He has never won a Super Bowl. The time a Fisher-coached team won an NFL playoff game, 2003, Rams running back Todd Gurley was nine years old. Fisher has 156 career losses and is moving in on Tom Landry, who lost 162. If Fisher gets another contract extension, he’ll easily displace Dan Reeves, who has the most losses (165) in NFL history. But here’s the difference: Reeves and Landry actually won something. They have a combined nine conference championships, 31 postseason victories, and Landry won two Super Bowls. Fisher? His nickname is “Ol’ Eight and Eight.”

3. Kevin Demoff: Rams Chief Operating Officer or Pinocchio?

As part of it serious investigation into Demoff, HBO is conducting an exhaustive review of all of his past statements about Kroenke and the Rams wanting to stay in St. Louis and play in a new stadium here. Demoff’s comments about Los Angeles being a lousy sports town are of special interest to investigators. We’ve learned that Demoff already has been tested for one potential abnormality; specifically the HBO team is fascinated by the length of Demoff’s nose, which grew each time he gave an interview to a St. Louis media person.

4. Footage of an Archeological Dig at Los Angeles Memorial Coliseum

When a team explored subterranean sections of the old stadium that will house the Rams until 2019 in search of artifacts from ancient civilizations, the excavation produced a startling discovery: Fisher’s offensive playbook. The field workers were startled to find one particular oddity on the pages of the Fisher offense … incredibly, the Fisher formations did not include an actual quarterback or forward passes. But the immediate excitement of this shocking finding quickly faded when astute Los Angeles Times sportswriter Sam Farmer broke the sobering news to the archeologists: this was not a rarity from a bygone era of NFL football. This was, in fact, a soiled copy of Fisher’s current playbook that the Rams will use again in 2016.

5. HBO Reconvenes the Original O.J. Simpson Jury

In what should have been TV gold, HBO gave a list of the NFL relocation guidelines to the surviving jurists from Simpson’s criminal trial. Despite a mountain of evidence that reaffirmed Simpson’s obvious guilt on double-homicide charges, the jury found him not guilty. When presented with hard evidence from a more recent case — that the Rams satisfied the NFL’s rules for relocating from St. Louis to LA — the offended O.J. jurors walked out in disgust.

“These people must think we’re stupid,” one juror told the HBO film crew. “Really, the NFL must think we’re the most hopeless imbeciles in the world to get us to believe that the Rams qualified to move under those guidelines. C’mon, man. Yeah, we freed O.J. — but we’re not that dumb. Gimme a break. St. Louis offered $400 million in public money for a new stadium for the Rams. No city that ever put up that amount of public dollars ever lost its NFL franchise. The people who run the league must have thought we were as corrupt as they are. Did the Rams satisfy the guidelines? Not a chance.”

6. Homeless in America: The Mark Davis Story

As a sidebar to the Rams’ attempts to make a smooth move into LA, the HBO crews followed the Raiders owner as he sets up a makeshift camp on the grounds of Kroenke’s Inglewood stadium site. Despite intense efforts to convince Davis to clear out and get out of Kroenke’s way, Marky Mark stubbornly refuses. In a depressing scene, Davis begs Kroenke to let him move in. Kroenke tries to walk past the reaching Davis — but in a moment of raw empathy for his fellow man, the Rams’ owner suddenly reconsiders and hands Davis a $50 bill … with instructions to go get a new haircut.

7. An Inside Look at The Rams’ Dazzling Marketing Campaign

How will the Rams attract enough fans to fill the vast spaces of the LA Coliseum? When the Rams played in the market in the 1980s, they regularly drew crowds of 45,000 or less for home games that featured winning playoff-bound teams and future Hall of Fame running back Eric Dickerson. So the Rams are planning to pull out all stops to get the fans to come out and support a team that hasn’t won since 2003 or made the playoffs since 2004.

HBO crews sit on a meeting and watch Demoff approve a marketing campaign highlighted by these attractions:

— A Very Special Evening with Dieter Brock.

— The first 25,000 fans get a Sam’s Club membership*

(* Kroenke will deactivate the cards after the season if the fans fail to spend enough money at Sam’s Club.

(* By the way, ask some former STL-based Rams employees about the Sam’s Club card.)

— Hug a Kardashian Night.

— A unique seminar hosted by Kroenke himself: How to make billions of dollars in sports without winning games.

— The Secret to Truly Fantastic Hair, co-hosted by Les Snead and Jessica Alba.

— Kids Get to Sack a Real NFL Quarterback, hosted by Greg Robinson.

— Blame Everything on Georgia Frontiere Night.

8. A Red Hot Quarterback Controversy

This is a staple of “Hard Knocks.” A classic training-camp battle for the starting QB job. But after watching Case Keenum and Nick Foles throw in practice, the planned segment is canceled by the HBO producer in charge of the series.

9. An Unexpected Twist to Hard Knocks

Early on, the series is nearly canceled by HBO when the network realizes that the team’s only interesting and charismatic personality is the punter, Johnny Hekker.

10. The Stan Kroenke Interview

In an effort to excite the Los Angeles fan base, Silent Stan works his magic in front of the cameras.

Dressed in his finest undertaker’s suit, Kroenke begins to speak.

The scene fades to black to the sound of snoring.

Cut.

Thanks for reading …

–Bernie