Always a hard day

I try not to dread today.

June 29th.

It’s the anniversary of the day my daughter died.

But I do. Some years are better than others. I’m distracted this year. Today of all days, I have other things on my plate.

My dad got evicted from his apartment in PA a few months ago. Turns out it was due to bed bugs. From what I can surmise, the infestation was so bad that they had to evict him. Plus, he was a hoarder. /shudder. I tried to watch that show and 5 minutes in I got manic, started hot washing my hands in scalding water and couldn’t stop cleaning for an hour and a half. I’d been telling my wife since October that I needed to get up there and see my dad. I had that “feeling”. Only ever had it a few times in my life and the few times I did, we moved heaven and earth to do what needed to be done. And every time, my “feeling” was right on. But, for the first time, I ignored it and I should have been there.

So I moved him down here with me. Unfortunately, because I didn’t find out until he’d already been evicted, someone else packed him…which meant he brought the bed bugs with him. Which means we figured out how we got them the first time. We know how to deal with it and his room is situated so that we have it contained and are fixing it.

But the bigger issue is this. After living with my dad for three months, it’s clear to all of the family that he needs more than we can give him and more than he could get on his own in an apartment with a visiting nurse. He needs assisted living.

Because of our summer schedule and extended family schedule, the only day to really have this intervention is….today.

Normally, I spend the day being quiet and contemplative. I remember the joy. I remember the blessing that was her life and the blessing that came in the wake of her passing, how I used the lessons I learned from grieving to be a better father and husband and human being. I try not to dwell on the emptiness and all the things that were missed and will never be, high school graduation, first kiss, college, and all the other milestones as well as never getting to know the person she would become, the people she would meet, the family she would create and grow…

She’s always with me. I have her baby bracelet from the hospital around my USB mic on my desk.

So, somehow I have to put all that aside and do what needs to be done today.

This is about being positive. My dad needs better care than I can give. He needs better hygiene, better socialization, better attention to his meds, better attention to his diet as a diabetic, better all of it. I dunno the costs. I know he can get help with the costs through the VA. We already got the letter from the Doc for that.

I’m really trying to do the right thing, to preserve his dignity and humanity. And I know this is better for him.

Maybe, in a way this is my daughter’s legacy. I dunno.

Even for all the right reasons and trying to do the right thing… it’s still a hard day.

• This topic was modified 9 years, 3 months ago by Mackeyser.