Always a hard day

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  • #26873
    Mackeyser
    Moderator

    I try not to dread today.

    June 29th.

    It’s the anniversary of the day my daughter died.

    But I do. Some years are better than others. I’m distracted this year. Today of all days, I have other things on my plate.

    My dad got evicted from his apartment in PA a few months ago. Turns out it was due to bed bugs. From what I can surmise, the infestation was so bad that they had to evict him. Plus, he was a hoarder. /shudder. I tried to watch that show and 5 minutes in I got manic, started hot washing my hands in scalding water and couldn’t stop cleaning for an hour and a half. I’d been telling my wife since October that I needed to get up there and see my dad. I had that “feeling”. Only ever had it a few times in my life and the few times I did, we moved heaven and earth to do what needed to be done. And every time, my “feeling” was right on. But, for the first time, I ignored it and I should have been there.

    So I moved him down here with me. Unfortunately, because I didn’t find out until he’d already been evicted, someone else packed him…which meant he brought the bed bugs with him. Which means we figured out how we got them the first time. We know how to deal with it and his room is situated so that we have it contained and are fixing it.

    But the bigger issue is this. After living with my dad for three months, it’s clear to all of the family that he needs more than we can give him and more than he could get on his own in an apartment with a visiting nurse. He needs assisted living.

    Because of our summer schedule and extended family schedule, the only day to really have this intervention is….today.

    Normally, I spend the day being quiet and contemplative. I remember the joy. I remember the blessing that was her life and the blessing that came in the wake of her passing, how I used the lessons I learned from grieving to be a better father and husband and human being. I try not to dwell on the emptiness and all the things that were missed and will never be, high school graduation, first kiss, college, and all the other milestones as well as never getting to know the person she would become, the people she would meet, the family she would create and grow…

    She’s always with me. I have her baby bracelet from the hospital around my USB mic on my desk.

    So, somehow I have to put all that aside and do what needs to be done today.

    This is about being positive. My dad needs better care than I can give. He needs better hygiene, better socialization, better attention to his meds, better attention to his diet as a diabetic, better all of it. I dunno the costs. I know he can get help with the costs through the VA. We already got the letter from the Doc for that.

    I’m really trying to do the right thing, to preserve his dignity and humanity. And I know this is better for him.

    Maybe, in a way this is my daughter’s legacy. I dunno.

    Even for all the right reasons and trying to do the right thing… it’s still a hard day.

    • This topic was modified 9 years, 6 months ago by Mackeyser.

    Sports is the crucible of human virtue. The distillate remains are human vice.

    #26876
    Avatar photozn
    Moderator

    That’s a lot, Mack. My sympathies to you. My sympathies on your daughter, and my supportive comraderie to you as a son dealing with an aging father.

    #26881
    bnw
    Blocked

    The longer we live the more days which have history for us. I hope your dad accepts your efforts on his behalf.

    The upside to being a Rams fan is heartbreak.

    Sprinkles are for winners.

    #26893
    Mackeyser
    Moderator

    Well, we did it.

    We’ll see how it actually went in the coming days. My Pop doesn’t tend to react to news he doesn’t like.

    I made sure to emphasize over and over that this was about love and respect and wanting to have the best he can have.

    I said the words, “this is not us kicking you out or throwing you in a home” because I didn’t want there to be any doubt.

    I told him that I want him to be part of this process, that this isn’t us doing something for him or to him, but with him.

    I’ve had to do a few things in my life that let me know I was a man in the fullest sense of the word. This was one of those things.

    Sports is the crucible of human virtue. The distillate remains are human vice.

    #26897
    Avatar photonittany ram
    Moderator

    Hope things work out ok.

    #26900
    PA Ram
    Participant

    I wish you all the very best, Mac.

    My mother is gone now but years ago I had to go through this. We were taking care of her in my home and we just were not equipped to do it. It’s more than just the home care, it’s making sure she gets to all her doctor appointments, watching her meds, etc. Ultimately we all knew that she’d be better off in a nursing home.

    She resisted at first but she knew it was for the best and she agreed and it turned out to be better than she thought it would be. She made friends, had social activities. She had her medical care and we could still visit, still(while she was able) take her places, and she was much better off than living with us.

    But yes–it’s a difficult time, for sure.

    • This reply was modified 9 years, 5 months ago by PA Ram.

    "Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away. " Philip K. Dick

    #26909
    Avatar photoZooey
    Moderator

    Best wishes there, Mackeyser. That’s tough. I’m glad it went well.

    Our daughter died on December 12. We made the anniversary a family day. I don’t go to work, and my kids don’t go to school. Instead, we go get our Christmas tree and bring it home. It’s given us a ritual that the day hangs on, and that has been good for us. It makes the day communal even though my son barely remembers Annabelle, and my daughter wasn’t born yet. But doing the same thing on that date every year has helped me and my wife. My wife honors her birthday, too, by making candles. She melts beeswax in pipes, and dips candles with a friend or two.

    #26927
    TSRF
    Participant

    Mac, Zooey, SD, I grieve with you, one father to another.

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